Author : Patti Pacifico
This morning I tried to convince my husband* that managing a household is exceptionally time consuming- times two for me as I am no domestic goddess. I could write volumes of contrite and unneeded examples and still not cover what goddesses superior to me know about mother, wife and individual. Our conversation is far from over and before today, I would have wasted too much energy trying to get him to see something he can't, and impatiently waiting until he happens upon a moment that strikes him, as he usually does, and he says, "Oh! I get it, baby."Winter 2004 was also the complete death and rebirth of my life. Up until May of 2005, my life was a myriad of choices tainted with too much self-denial. It has been absolutely debilitating, embarrassing, painful, and amazing. I have been called crazy, immature, insecure, stupid and a few others I will remember later and wished I'd written. These statements would have previously permeated and debilitated my life in one or more ways; today, they have little effect.My life, on paper, looks pretty good:Education: B.A. Cultural Anthropology, M.S. Information StudiesCertifications: MCSE, CCNA, Cisco Certified Instructor, Certified Technical Trainer, Mat Pilates Instructor, Spinning Instructor, Resist-a-ball trainerOccupation: Tenured Associate Professor- Computer Information SystemsAge: Almost 33
5'2"
110 pounds
Blood Pressure: 90/60Marital Status: Engaged
Children: 17 year-old stepson
3 dogs
3 catsNow here's the truth:Blah, blah, blah,Now here's the truth that matters:I call Larry my husband*, because that is what I believe and feel he is. The right moment has not happened for us to marry. It will and we will. Ours is a love that is serendipitous to those who can embrace it and absurd to those who cannot, and I don't care, I love him.I call Jimmie my step-son, because that is what I believe and feel he is. He is an amazing child/man who has allowed me to suffer through realizing who I was at his age and who I am now. He is this enigma that brought forth the innate love and pain of motherhood that I thought I was incapable of possessing or feeling.For seven years I have had daily physical pain that steadily grew to feel like a knife pushed up under my left shoulder blade, through my neck and out my temple. By February I was in pain and having constant muscle spasms.After five months of hard-earned (in more ways than one) sick-leave, I decided this month that I am quitting the job that gives me that safe income, cheap health insurance, "summers and December" and, "Dude, teaching is like so easy! You only work like four hours a week." Only good teachers know what I mean. Oh yeah, and it looks good on paper.At the end of January 2005, I lost most of my money through Internet fraud. Not only did I lose my money, but also my ego. Ms. Computer Professor should have known better. By middle March, Larry was involved in three automobile accidents, and Jimmie one. Thankfully, they were never harmed. Two of the accidents counted against my once terrific insurance record. My credit score plummeted from 860 to 540 and a few minor issues here and there, as well as all the other possibilities of the world that we all deal with.Now you're startin' to get the crazy, stupid, yadda, yadda, yadda, and the stimulus for this morning's argument, right? How could anyone in their right mind quit their job at such a time in life and, what! What! WHAT! I'm using my retirement money to live on. They're coming to take me away, ha, ha, hee, hee…I quit all that good stuff on paper, all those things we knew didn't really matter September 11, 2001, but eventually failed to recall. I quit because I love my husband, I love my step-son and now, I'm learning to love me.Life took everything that I thought did or didn't matter away, if only for one realized moment. When you are at rock bottom for any reason, there is available a voice, an angel, a guide, a vision, whatever you want to name it, that enables you to hold tighter to hope and you and life begin to do amazing things.I believe no less than 95% of people can be happier, healthier and know true love. I believe there can be complete positive and complete negative, hence, the other 5%. I believe that no matter how successful I may become or hard I may fall, I will still be called crazy, stupid, immature, yadda, yadda, yadda, by some. I believe most people wish they could feel as happy and confident about something.I know I can no longer teach to a few an incidental computer lesson, when I can teach many about the truths we all want to know. The ones you find when you lose everything, realize so much, and yearn to know more.
I know I'm now remembering what I truly felt September 11, 2001 and I'm living my life as a wife, a mother, a creator, a writer, even if that means I am crazy, stupid, immature...A former computer professor turned Internet writer, Patti Pacifico, has combined elements of film,music,publishing and the Internet, to create the world's first digi-tome, "life". From losing everything, she found her creativity and searches for those interested in a different way of learning and beautiful way of living.http://www.pattipacifico.comhttp://www.respectfully-pattipacifico.com
Keyword : flight 93, 911, hope, loss, truth, living, life, angel, guide, inner voice, wife, mother, happiness
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